


Slam

by orphan_account



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: (sorta) - Freeform, -chapter one, Also slow updates, Alternate Universe - Reincarnation, Angst, Depression, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Like, M/M, Slow Burn, Suicide Attempt, anyway now for the actual tags that arent just me rambling about how depressed i am, buckle up for the angst train everybody, but um, g- get it, im too depressed to write fanfic, reeeaaaaalll angsty, sorta - Freeform, the pun, this shit gonna be real angsty, wanna watch your favorite characters suffer?, what am I even doing, whooowhoooo, write this way
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-19
Updated: 2020-10-19
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:42:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,985
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27105169
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: ~Trigger Warnings~Evan thought he was going to die. He had it all planned out, everything from the time to the note had been planned out perfectly. Evan should be dead, but then he wakes up in the beginning of senior year. A second chance. Maybe, just maybe, Evan save Connor Murphy.
Relationships: Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy
Kudos: 16





	Slam

**Author's Note:**

> before we start i want to say that i may update infrequently. im a depressed little bitch and school is 24/7, plus i have to hide my fanfic from my parents. the odds are not in my favor. so in other words, dont wait up. 
> 
> there will also be a lot of triggering things in this. the entire premise revolves around an emotionally graphic suicide attempt, which could *very* easily be triggering. ill eventually add self harm into it, unless something changes. of course depression and the mental health feels™️. i probably wont add trigger warnings for individual chapters unless add something not in this note, so exercise caution (or just dont read this lol) when reading this fic. 
> 
> anyway, enjoy!

_ Connor never wrote his suicide note. We were never friends. I wrote it on an assignment from my therapist. _

_ I never meant to make this big of a mess. I never thought this lie, this reality would become so big. I don’t know what to say, I don’t know how to say it, but I’m sorry, so fucking sorry. Words fail me, I know what I want to but how? How do I string together the words? _

_ I guess I thought I could be part of something. I never had their life, but I wanted it. I never had the dad who made corny jokes and got me baseball gloves. I never had a perfect girl who could somehow see past all the anxiety into the good part of me. I never had a mom who was there because mom was all that she needed to be. _

_ That’s not a worthy explanation. There is none, no way to make sense of all the things I’ve done. The only thing I can say is that sometimes you see everything you wanted, and sometimes you see everything you wish you had, and it’s right there in front of you, and you want to believe it’s true so you make it true, and maybe everyone wanted it and needed it a little bit too. _

_ This was just a sad invention by a sad boy. It wasn’t real, I know, but we were happy, and I couldn’t let that go. Give that up. I wanted to believe because if I believe hard enough I don’t have to see what’s really there. I’d rather pretend I’m something other than some sloppily joined broken parts, this mess that I am. If I do that, I don’t have to look at it, no one gets to look at it, no one can see, because I’ve learned to slam on the break before I even turn the key; before I make the mistake; before I lead with the worst of me. I never let them see the worst of me, because what if everyone saw? What if everyone knew? Would they like what they saw, or would they hate it too?  _

_ Will I just keep on running away from what's true? All I ever do is run. _

_ I’m stepping into the sun. _

Emotions were strange when you were ready to jump. Evan wasn’t sad, for say, more just numb. The same way he had been feeling for years. If Evan hadn’t been feeling numb, he probably wouldn’t be standing on the edge of a bridge. 

Evan had always hated bridges. 

Was it selfish to throw himself off this bridge? It was a wonderful spot to picnic. A glance at the grass brought back memories of eating here. It had just been Evan and his mom, Evan and his mom before everything went to hell.

Being a child would be nice. Children are never blamed when they dig themselves into a hole so deep that death would be favorable to trying to climb out.

Evan knew he was a coward by doing this, he just didn’t care. Dead people aren’t cowards, they’re corpses everyone gathers around, asking themselves what they could’ve

Evan pulled himself onto the railing. 

He let go.

The first thing Evan noticed was beeping. Then came disappointment. Every cool intake of oxygen was a forbidden sign of life, something that shouldn’t be happening. He should be dead.

Evan turned his head to what he expected to be a heart rate monitor, the source of the beeping. What he saw was not what he expected, however - it was an alarm clock, the same alarm clock that he woke up to the beeping of every day. 

Evan was given very little time to process this, however, before his door opened to his mother, the woman he thought he would never see again. Evan had said goodbye to Heidi for what he thought would be the last time and yet she stood in his doorway.

Heidi gave a nervous smile. “Hey sweetie, good morning.” 

_ Act normal. _ Evan smiled back up at her, undoubtedly matching her nerves. “Good morning,” he said with a slight voice crack. Until he knew what the fuck was happening, he needed to pretend everything was normal.

Nothing was normal.

Heidi gave a slight frown. “So you just decided not to eat last night, huh?”

A slight feeling of deja vu spread over Evan, but he repressed it. Not the time for reminiscing. “Yeah. Sorry.” Evan’s responses were clipped, and he knew it was suspicious, yet he couldn’t find the energy to give Heidi the energy she deserved. A wave of guilt washed over Evan at that thought, he had truly been blessed with the best mother.

The frown on Heidi’s face deepened, causing Evan’s guilt to rise. “Are you okay, sweetie? You’re acting different.”

Evan smiled. “Yeah, totally.”

“Well, I made you an appointment with Dr. Sherman for this afternoon. I’ll pick you up right after school.”

It hit him.

Somehow, by some magic or curse, Evan was back to the first day of senior year. He glanced at the cast he had managed not to notice until now - everything came together. Evan’s breathing increased to the point of hyperventilating because oh no oh no  _ oh no oh noohnoohno he was back this shouldn’t be happening what happened. _

Heidi put her hands on Evan’s shoulders. “Evan? Evan, look at me, sweetie. It’s okay.”

The thoughts that had been circling inside Evan’s brain slowed, and once he was mobile again he slipped on his shoes and rushed out, much to Heidi’s exasperation. 

Evan’s eyes were trained on the floor as he walked through the hall. Through his headphones blasted music, which did little to drown out his still high anxiety over the entire situation. Did this have something to do with Connor Murphy? A second chance? A chance to not lie about his relationship, or even better to not have Connor die? 

Out of the corner of Evan’s eye, he saw Zoe. She was… she was something. Evan supposed he was probably romantically attracted to her; he knew he wanted some form of relationship.

Then again, did he? Evan didn’t know Zoe, and Zoe didn’t know Evan. He was attracted to the idea of Zoe, but nothing else. They were practically strangers. 

Alanna bumped into Evan, effectively knocking his thoughts out of him. “So how was your summer,” she said with an overzealous smile that still made him uncomfortable the second time around. 

Evan pulled off his headphones, wiping his palms which managed to get sweaty once again. “My s-summer was okay.”

“Mine was productive. I did 3 internships and 90 hours of community service. I know: wow!”

“Yeah, that wow, that’s impressive. I um, I have to go b-but I’ll talk to you later!” Evan gave an obvious fake smile, but Alanna didn’t seem to notice or care. 

“Well, have a great first day!” Evan watched the girl walk away before following her inside.

“So, is it weird to be the first person in history to break their arm from jerking off too much, or do you consider that an honor?”

Evan slammed his eyes shut at the figure easily identifiable as Jared standing before him. “Th-that's not what happened.” Evan’s memory of what had happened during this conversation the first time around cleared, and he took the opportunity to not let Jared make any more lewd jokes. “I was, um, I was c-climbing a tree and I...”  _ let go. _ “...and I fell.”

Jared’s laugh was sharp. “You fell out of a tree? What are you, like, an acorn?”

_ Never gets old.  _ “Anyway, did you have a g-good summer?”

"Well my bunk dominated in capture the flag and I got to second-base-below-the-bra with this girl from Israel who’s going to, like, be in the army… so I guess that answers your question.”

As Evan was thinking of something to say, a loud slam alerted him to the presence of Connor Murphy. 

Jared also noticed his presence, and swiveled to face the taller boy. “Hey Connor, loving the haircut. Very school shooter chic.” Connor didn’t speak, only giving Jared a glare as Evan fiddled with the hem of his shirt in discomfort. “Calm down, bud, it was a joke,” Jared said nervously.

“Yeah, no, it was funny. I’m laughing, can’t you tell? Am I not laughing hard enough for you,” Connor deadpanned. 

Jared smirked as he abandoned Evan. “God, you’re such a freak.”

Connor glared at Evan, forcing eye contact on this nervous boy, who was left without knowing how to respond.  _ Don’t laugh, dumbass, you’re trying to  _ change  _ what happened.  _ Evan smiled. “H-hi.”

Connor spun around, abandoning Evan in the hallway.

_ “I’m so sorry sweetie, I won’t be able to give you a ride today.”  _

Evan transferred the phone to his shoulder as he took a seat in the corner of the computer lab. “It’s fine, Mom.” 

_ “Maybe you can ask Jared for a ride?” _

“No, really, it’s fine. I’ll walk.” A ride with Jared was hardly ideal, Jared may be his closest family friend but it was still awkward.

_ “I’m so sorry, honey. Oh, and I’m going straight from here to class, so I won’t be home until late. Please eat something, Evan.” _ Evan could barely make out a sigh from Heidi, which sent a pang of guilt through his chest.

“I will.”

Some movement was audible from Evan’s mother’s end, but Evan gave up on identifying it almost immediately.  _ “We’ve got those Trader’s Joe’s chicken nuggets in the freezer.” _

“Great.”

_ “Oh, did you write that letter for Dr. Sherman yet?” _

Shit. The letter. “Oh, I still have to do that. I’ll talk to you later.”

“Bye sweetie! I hope you had a great day!”

Once a click sounded from the phone Evan pocketed the phone and sat down at the desk. If what he remembered from the first time he went through this was correct, this letter ended up with Connor not exactly bonding. Maybe if he just left out the part about Zoe, Connor would react better. Or better yet, maybe Evan could just write a normal letter that didn’t sound like a vent about how little his life mattered.

_ Dear Evan Hansen, _

_ Today is going to be a good day after all because _

Evan buried his face his his arms at that part. Why would it be a good day? Maybe if Evan did just disappear, it would be.

As Evan was still thinking of something to say, Connor appeared behind him. “So, uh, what happened to your arm?”

Evan froze, face turning red at the sudden need for conversation. “I, uh, I f-fell out of a tree.”

“Well if that isn’t the saddest fucking thing I’ve ever heard.” 

“I know.” Evan gave an obviously forced laugh, even though it was sad. Connor would probably think it was even sadder if he knew what actually happened.

Connor pointed at Evan’s cast. “No one’s signed your cast.”

Evan gave a small “nope.” Why would they? 

“I will.”

Evan chose to not protest, and instead handed Connor a sharpie. At seeing the massive name Connor had written, Evan gave a mostly-forced smile. “Thanks.”

Connor smirked. “Now we can both pretend that we have friends.”

As Connor turned to walk away, Evan quickly improvised something to say. “W-wait. Can- would you want to maybe m-meet up later to- to talk? Or something?”  _ Very smooth, Evan. I’m sure he’ll want to go and m-m-meet up with such a stammering mess. _

Connor smiled uncertainly. “I have pla- actually, sure.” Connor grabbed a paper from the printer, and using the same sharpie (and massive handwriting) to write on it. 

When the paper was pressed into Evan’s hands, he quickly identified a phone number.

Evan was about to add it into his contacts, but just like that Connor Murphy was leaving the library. 

**Author's Note:**

> hope you liked the angst.
> 
> not.


End file.
